Friday, February 18, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
High Steaks Grudge Match!
B-Ball Misfits Bet 11 Lucky’s Chicago Dogs and a Sizzler Combo Platter
(AP) Miami, FL 02162011 15:42 GMT – Eleven is certain to become Big Roan Cohen’s lucky number as he and embattled numbers cruncher Leslie Elliot Dolin have raised the stakes for their much-anticipated October 7, 2012 (in the vicinity of) Soldier Field basketball grudge match to 11 Chicago Dogs and a Sizzler Combo Platter.
“I’m letting him off the hook by making it an 11-Chicago Dog deal,” the 59-year old Cohen told several dozing reporters this morning.
“At Lucky’s Hot Dogs on U.S. 441 and Stirling Boulevard in Dania Beach, Florida – if you buy ten dogs you get an 11th sandwich for free,” the rapidly aging Cohen explained.
“So after I humiliate Dolin in our best of seven series, all he has to do is pay for ten of Lucky’s delicious, succulent dogs. I threw in the Sizzler Combo Platter as a loss leader to give the troglodyte some incentive to vary his dining experiences should I die or become incapacitated before our 2012 series.”
Cohen leads the 39-year nearly annual series 38-1, his one loss coming in a bizarre forfeiture after he dropped his car keys down a trash chute at a Wolfie’s hot dog stand in Chicago.
Cohen (L) and Dolin (R) During Their Much Younger Days
‘We sifted through 50 gallon bags of trash for three and a half hours back in 1981,” Cohen mused. “And I never found the damn keys. I came away from the experience with no damn car keys and a silver dollar-sized mustard stain on my brand new Fruit of the Loom T-shirt.”
The formerly Big Red Cohen said that Dolin invoked an arcane codicil in their basketball series bylaws that calls for an immediate forfeiture if one of the ne’ers do-well happens to have a mustard stain on his (or its) shirt and said mustard stain is discovered by his (or its) opponent.
“Cohen’s got it all wrong!” said a recalcitrant yet dastardly Dolin. “The rule states, and I quote: If one of the contestants spots a mustard stain on the shirt of his adversary, and clearly states: ‘you’ve got a spot on your shirt,” causing the other combatant to look down at said spot, and an immediate bitch slap on his chin follows, an immediate forfeiture to the most proximal series contest is hereby invoked.”
“Bite me,” Cohen retorted before hastily calling an end to the impromptu press conference.
The 40th Anniversary Edition of the Cohen v. Dolin One-on-One Basketball Series will begin at an undisclosed location in the vicinity of Soldier Field one day following the October 6, 2012 University of Miami – Notre Dame football game, also in Chicago.
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Scrappy Dolin Endures Spirited Shootaround at LA Fitness gym in Hollywood, FL
Feckless yet uninspired, Leslie E. Dolin turns in a workman-like performance at a shootaround at the LA Fitness basketball court in Hollywood, Florida. No longer plagued by a monstrous testicular orb, the sleek and soporific accountant struts his stuff before an estimated one spectator.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Ancient Primate Warms Up for Epic 2012 Chicago Battle
Hollywood, FL (AP) - 09:37 EDT - Ten pounds lighter (as the result of the surgical puncturing of his grotesquely swollen left testicle), Leslie Elliot Dolin took to the basketball courts at an LA Fitness gym in Hollwood, showing a frightened spectator why he's an early prohibitive underdog to win the next battle of the roundball Titans (Cohen v. Dolin) set for the storied Hollywood Park in Chicago on October 6, 2012.
Demonstrating a panoply of rim-rattling shots, the unguarded Dolin hit on 2 of 17 attempts from the field and was perfect (1-1) from the free throw line, showing nerves of steel after falling to the floor in a tangled mass of simian arms and legs, slowly rising to his feet unaided, then calmly swishing the safety shot. After surviving what is believed to be the first self-fouling incident ever called in a one-man shoot around, Dolin declared himself: "Mentally prepared to shellac Cohen," while admitting that after more than 45 years of hard drinking and intermittent recreational drug abuse, he needed a few more practice sessions to round into shape.
What is sure to be a classic video featuring play-by-play by a former KESR Lone Pine, California announcer, and spiced by an exclusive interview with Vegas odds maker, Lefty Goniff-Mohel, reveals that the 60-year old Dolin has lost little of the hapless form that propelled him to near-legendary futility during his salad days as the guaranteed last selection in any neighborhood pickup game..
Don Cohen, Dolin's opponent for the 2012 grudge match declared that he was "sickened by the sight of that little troglodyte darkening the courts at my favorite LA Fitness gym."
"It was a horrifying spectacle," Cohen declared. "Unlike Dolin, I have too much pride to make a public appearance until I'm svelte and powerful," he said. "Dolin made me sick and I had to take the spectator to the psych ward at Hollywood Memorial Regional Hospital, He thought he was seeing an ugly little ape man from Mars, for chrissakes!"
"I tried to reassure him,"Cohen claims. "I explained that Martians aren't likely to be so ugly, but that didn't seem to calm him down."
Cohen has scheduled his one-man shoot around for September 31 of this year. Stay tuned to this blog for special ticket discount offers and vouchers for free Chicago Hot Dogs from a local South Florida eatery to be named later.
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Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Utter Humiliation
It has been said (and I'm quoting Brian's Song here), all true stories end in death -- and this is a true story. It is a tale of two warriors -- bent and broken -- not-so-proudly succumbing to Father Time as they seek to renew an ancient one-on-one basketball series in a neighborhood near Chicago's Solider Field just prior to the 2012 renewal of the University of Miami-Notre Dame football rivalry.
The combatants:
Weighing 244 pounds, 6-0", 59-year old Don Cohen
...and at 5'3", 211-pounds, 60-year old Leslie Elliot Dolin whose shriveled liver shall soon be preserved in an exhibit alongside outlaw John Dillenger's penis at the Smithsonian Institute.
Our story began some 38 years ago on the storied Keystone Park Tot Lot in North Miami, Florida where the two anachronisms struck up a bizarre friendship and began challenging and taunting each other to see who would reign supreme in a basketball duel for the ages.
The following news release, dated September 1, 1993 -- marking the 21st year of their annual rivalry well illustrates the spirit of these fabled games and a return to the tradition-rich Tot Lot where our story began:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September 1, 1993
DOLIN DEALS DEVASTATING DEFEAT TO DECLINING COHEN
North Miami, FL -- Unabashedly pilfering the words of FDR, an openly weeping Don Cohen declared: "August 13, 1993 will long live as a day of infamy in American history," after suffering a 10-6 one-on-one basketball drubbing at the faintly talented hands of Leslie E. Dolin, CPA at North Miami's historic Keystone Point Tot Lot The horrifying spectacle marked Cohen's first defeat to the minuscule yet portly accountant in more than 16 years.
In Dolin's most one-sided victory in more than a decade, the staggering Cohen could mount little resistance to the determined and recalcitrant numbers cruncher, who hit from the outside, played tough defense, and stoically weathered the broiling humidity in playing with the intensity of a near-man possessed. At one point, the impotent but game Cohen crept within two points of his underdog opponent at 7-5, but could manage only one point thereafter.
"Utter humiliation, that's what it was. I was helpless out there. It wasn't a fluke. The guy took me to school. I have no excuses. My foot blisters weren't a factor. The heat -- we both had to play in it. He may have been on drugs, but so what? Not doing drugs was my choice. What am I gonna do, make the dwarf piss into a thimble and get his vile urine tasted? Hey, it was worth than freakin Armageddon," he lisped. "And that's all I have to say," Cohen told a group of dozing reporters immediately after the game.
In salvaging a scant sliver of respectability, Cohen came back the next day to rout Dolin twice, 10-4 and 10-5 to snare the series, 2-1; the ancient redhead's 20th consecutive series victory.
"Those two wins don't mean nothing, Cohen grunted, while dreaming of a better future as a wannabe Tuscan gigolo. "I'm supposed to beat the guy. I'll never erase that win of his. But I'll remember. And he'll pay for it. No freaking mercy. That's my motto. Dolin will have the lines of my Rawlings branded into his troglodytic face the next time we play, and it will be an improvement."
The jubilant Dolin was not available for comment. Sources close to the 43-year old primate say he was probably looking for romance at nearby William Jennings Bryan Elementary School.
The combatants:
Weighing 244 pounds, 6-0", 59-year old Don Cohen
...and at 5'3", 211-pounds, 60-year old Leslie Elliot Dolin whose shriveled liver shall soon be preserved in an exhibit alongside outlaw John Dillenger's penis at the Smithsonian Institute.
Our story began some 38 years ago on the storied Keystone Park Tot Lot in North Miami, Florida where the two anachronisms struck up a bizarre friendship and began challenging and taunting each other to see who would reign supreme in a basketball duel for the ages.
The following news release, dated September 1, 1993 -- marking the 21st year of their annual rivalry well illustrates the spirit of these fabled games and a return to the tradition-rich Tot Lot where our story began:
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September 1, 1993
DOLIN DEALS DEVASTATING DEFEAT TO DECLINING COHEN
North Miami, FL -- Unabashedly pilfering the words of FDR, an openly weeping Don Cohen declared: "August 13, 1993 will long live as a day of infamy in American history," after suffering a 10-6 one-on-one basketball drubbing at the faintly talented hands of Leslie E. Dolin, CPA at North Miami's historic Keystone Point Tot Lot The horrifying spectacle marked Cohen's first defeat to the minuscule yet portly accountant in more than 16 years.
In Dolin's most one-sided victory in more than a decade, the staggering Cohen could mount little resistance to the determined and recalcitrant numbers cruncher, who hit from the outside, played tough defense, and stoically weathered the broiling humidity in playing with the intensity of a near-man possessed. At one point, the impotent but game Cohen crept within two points of his underdog opponent at 7-5, but could manage only one point thereafter.
"Utter humiliation, that's what it was. I was helpless out there. It wasn't a fluke. The guy took me to school. I have no excuses. My foot blisters weren't a factor. The heat -- we both had to play in it. He may have been on drugs, but so what? Not doing drugs was my choice. What am I gonna do, make the dwarf piss into a thimble and get his vile urine tasted? Hey, it was worth than freakin Armageddon," he lisped. "And that's all I have to say," Cohen told a group of dozing reporters immediately after the game.
In salvaging a scant sliver of respectability, Cohen came back the next day to rout Dolin twice, 10-4 and 10-5 to snare the series, 2-1; the ancient redhead's 20th consecutive series victory.
"Those two wins don't mean nothing, Cohen grunted, while dreaming of a better future as a wannabe Tuscan gigolo. "I'm supposed to beat the guy. I'll never erase that win of his. But I'll remember. And he'll pay for it. No freaking mercy. That's my motto. Dolin will have the lines of my Rawlings branded into his troglodytic face the next time we play, and it will be an improvement."
The jubilant Dolin was not available for comment. Sources close to the 43-year old primate say he was probably looking for romance at nearby William Jennings Bryan Elementary School.
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