Utter Humiliation

It has been said (and I'm quoting Brian's Song here), all true stories end in death -- and this is a true story.  It is a tale of two warriors -- bent and broken -- not-so-proudly succumbing to Father Time as they seek to renew an ancient one-on-one basketball series in a neighborhood near Chicago's Solider Field just prior to the 2012 renewal of the University of Miami-Notre Dame football rivalry.

The combatants:
Weighing 244 pounds, 6-0", 59-year old Don Cohen

...and at 5'3", 211-pounds, 60-year old Leslie Elliot Dolin whose shriveled liver shall soon be preserved in an exhibit alongside outlaw John Dillenger's  penis at the Smithsonian Institute.

Our story began some 38 years ago on the storied Keystone Park Tot Lot in North Miami, Florida where the two anachronisms struck up a bizarre friendship and began challenging and taunting each other to see who would reign supreme in a basketball duel for the ages.

The following news release, dated September 1, 1993 -- marking the 21st year of their annual rivalry well illustrates the spirit of these fabled games and a return to the tradition-rich Tot Lot where our story began:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
September 1, 1993

DOLIN DEALS DEVASTATING DEFEAT TO DECLINING COHEN

North Miami, FL -- Unabashedly pilfering the words of FDR, an openly weeping Don Cohen declared:  "August 13, 1993 will long live as a day of infamy in American history," after suffering a 10-6 one-on-one basketball drubbing at the faintly talented hands of Leslie E. Dolin, CPA  at North Miami's historic Keystone Point Tot Lot  The horrifying spectacle marked Cohen's first defeat to the minuscule yet portly accountant in more than 16 years.

In Dolin's most one-sided victory in more than a decade, the staggering Cohen could mount little resistance to the determined and recalcitrant numbers cruncher, who hit from the outside, played tough defense, and stoically weathered the broiling humidity in playing with the intensity of a near-man possessed.  At one point, the impotent but game Cohen crept within two points of his underdog opponent at 7-5, but could manage only one point thereafter.

"Utter humiliation, that's what it was.  I was helpless out there.  It wasn't a fluke.   The guy took me to school.  I have no excuses.  My foot blisters weren't a factor.  The heat -- we both had to play in it.  He may have been on drugs, but so what?  Not doing drugs was my choice.  What am I gonna do, make the dwarf piss into a thimble and get his vile urine tasted?  Hey, it was worth than freakin Armageddon," he lisped.  "And that's all I have to say," Cohen told a group of dozing reporters immediately after the game.

In salvaging a scant sliver of respectability, Cohen came back the next day to rout Dolin twice, 10-4 and 10-5 to snare the series, 2-1; the ancient redhead's 20th consecutive series victory.

"Those two wins don't mean nothing, Cohen grunted, while dreaming of a better future as a wannabe Tuscan gigolo.   "I'm supposed to beat the guy.  I'll never erase that win of his.  But I'll remember.  And he'll pay for it.  No freaking mercy.  That's my motto.  Dolin will have the lines of my Rawlings branded into his troglodytic face the next time we play, and it will be an improvement."

The jubilant Dolin was not available for comment.  Sources close to the 43-year old primate say he was probably looking for romance at nearby William Jennings Bryan Elementary School.

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